Tuesday


Fear: As some of you may know, I am in NYC this week for a teacher training.


For me, I don't think I have ever realized how fearful I have been of everything in my life. In the last couple of days, I am beginning to see that I have lived in fear of life for a long time. I have covered that fear with excuses about why I haven't been living...

I have a few things in my life that I know I am good at... I am good at being a mom. I love it and live it daily. My fears don't get in my way of doing that. I am also good at being a teacher. I love teaching kids and feel like I do it well. My fears sometimes get in the way, but for the most part, I am pretty good at it.

When it comes to living, I have realized that I am fearful! I have fear that people won't like me. I fear that I will NEVER meet a nice guy to share my life with.  I fear that my body will never be where it should be. I fear that people will beat me in everything I do. I fear that people will laugh at me if I fail. I fear failing. I fear that I am not capable of being loved.

Yesterday I was heading back to my hotel alone because my group had gotten done earlier than I did. I didn’t know exactly which train to get on, and anyone who knows me, knows that I have a terrible sense of direction. I thought I knew where to go, but I wasn’t sure. I swiped my metro card and as I walked down the stairs, fear and panic took over. I tried to fight the voices off by telling myself that I knew what I was doing.  When I finally gave in and listened to my fears screaming in my head, telling me that I would never make it back to the hotel because I am not good with directions, and I was doomed to be lost forever, I almost crumbled. My fear had stopped me cold in the hot hallway of the subway full of people. I feared that I would get lost, get hurt, or who knows... just fear.  I immediately walked up the stairs and out to the street where I knew that I could get to the hotel. I would have to walk 26 blocks, but that sounded better than the "dangers of the subway" that everyone had warned me about.

When I got back to the hotel, finally, I thought a lot about what was happening. Then I thought about going to the park because I needed to run. All the voices telling me how dangerous that would be came back to me, and I realized, I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN!!! That being said, I put my workout clothes on, and I walked down the streets of NYC to Central Park ALONE! I decided that my fears are holding me back from living. I am 38 year old woman. I have already slowly taken on some of the fears in my fitness-life, but I am realizing that I need to do things and prove to myself that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I am ready to live! It’s about DAMN time!!! 

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